When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …