My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
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person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.