[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
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WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
buying dead houseplants to save time
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea