angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
You Might Also Like
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)