[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
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Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
can’t bark with your mouth full
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.