Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.