I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
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This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.