[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Squirrels before girls.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life