Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.