Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
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Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?