if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
It was worth a shot 😂