My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.