Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
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Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
What do you hear?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
this is funnier than any friends episode
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist