The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
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My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Put the is in disheveled
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…