Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
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Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?