Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
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Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.