While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account