I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
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I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on