Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
You Might Also Like
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
When can I start eating bats again.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one