*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
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my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Hell yeah 👍
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡