[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
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I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.