When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying