Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
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I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
gentlemen, hear me out
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…