Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
never deleting this app.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?