Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
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paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Meow?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.