Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Bros before Ohioes
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Breaking news:
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child