Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Before & after 😅
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.