When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
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I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
How funny!
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem