[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
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Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
no their not
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold