My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.