Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
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So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.