we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
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Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
back to work
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.