Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
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*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
How animals would run if they were human
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.