Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
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ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!