Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid