5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Pickled cat.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.