Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
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My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.