my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I did not eat the cake…
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”