She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I’d hang this in my house.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.