The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine