Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
HELP 😭
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”