doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
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Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Mornin. * use accordingly
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins