You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.