What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.