My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.