waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
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I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls