7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
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When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.