Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
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Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.