All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
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After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.