I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
What’s so funny?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!